Yoga Healing

We sat on the edges of our seats, with our shoulders relaxed and our spines high and lifted. Our palms facing up ready to receive what was to come. With our eyes closed, we were guided through deep breathing, various stretches with our legs and arms. 

Right arm up, straight over top of your head, and lean to the left, opening up your right side. Take a few deep breaths. Breathe into your side and let your ribs expand. As you exhale, let your body lean deeper to your left side. Slowly lift back to center, and bring your right arm down.

Slowly lift your left arm as we repeat the same. Arm straight over top of your head, and lean to the right, creating space on your left side. Pause here and take a few deep breaths. Breathe into your side and allow your ribs to expand. As you exhale, lean deeper to your right… Back to center, left arm down.

Inhale swing both arms out and up, and as you exhale, allow your palms touch and bring them slowly to heart's center... 

Find a place in your body where you feel safe. A place that offers healing, warmth, and security.

Place your hands there..

My instinct was to send my hands to rest over my heart. Right hand placed softly over my left. They rested only for a moment and the depths of my heart whispered - my uterus was my safe place. My right hand moved towards my uterus, and it hurt. My uterus radiated waves of unapproachable anguish, and I winced. I was so sad. My right hand rested on the safety of the back of my left hand. But my heart hurt. 

Deep breaths. Full breathing. Bring your awareness back to your breathing. 

I needed the reminder. I'd noticed how uneven and chopped my breath had become. 

Feel the power that your safe place offers. The strength and love it gives to your body and spirit...... 

Now move your hands to the place where you need healing. Where are you hurting?  

My hands moved to my uterus and my spine weakened, bending over to allow me to cradle my uterus like it were... a baby. 

Allow yourself to feel the pain. Give yourself permission to feel it, and accept it. Deep, even breaths.... 

My thoughts began racing. First the awareness of how my uterus really felt. Empty. Empty. Empty. Physically empty. Emotionally empty. And broken. So broken and sad. And angry. Keep a mindful awareness of your breath as you accept your pain.

I don't want to accept it. IT HURTS. 

Let yourself feel however you want to feel. If you need to move, move. If you need to shake out your arms or legs, do it. If you need to stand, do it. If you need to say something, say it. If you need to cry, let the tears come. 

Then the tears came. OH GOSH they came. I rocked forward and back, feeling a breeze of nostalgia. Labor.. Regardless of the perceived pain, I was doing something that was necessary and good. And beautiful. Maybe I could shift my view, even in this. So, I kept my legs relaxed, and made a conscious effort to relax my shoulders and have a tall spine, and then I let myself move the way I wanted.

And I cried. Because I needed to. I kept inhaling in through the nose, and exhaling forcefully through the mouth.

Yes. Cry. Stretch. Move. And begin sending love to your place of pain. It's a piece of you, and your body should be one. All of the pieces of you. You should feel love even for the pain. Don't reject it. Love it. 

Has my heart been rejecting my uterus? It was the best place of health, love, growth, beauty. And now it's empty. And it feels broken. And my babies!!! Ugghhh I cry harder. And I'M SO MAD. My babies. I just want them. All three of them (as I very briefly remember the walls that are temporarily keeping me from my El.) My knees come together and my fists tighten. 

OH GOD, please heal my uterus. Please fill it up with the Holy Spirit. It feels so empty and SAD. I have your love in my heart, and I want to feel it in my uterus. Please make this a happy place again. Please spread your love to this place of pain and make it whole again. If you reside in my heart, you can reside there too. I don't have to be sad. I don't want to be sad. I don't have to feel that I'm lacking. I WON'T be lacking. Please spread your spirit to my uterus. I know you want good things for me and you don't want me to live in anguish. 

Continue to breathe.... 

Let your minds and hearts come back to the room...

Begin to bring your awareness back to the group...

Let's finish our practice with a few breaths in unison.. Place your hands together at hearts center, as you inhale, swing them out to the sides and stretch your arms over your head..

And exhale swing your arms back out to your sides and allow them to rest at heart's center.

Again. As you inhale, swing them out to the sides and stretch your arms over your head.. And exhale swing your arms back out to your sides and allow them to rest where they feel comfortable.... 

There was amazing work done in this session. Would anyone like to share how they feel, or what they experienced?  

I cried some more, and I shared with the group.

“When I was pregnant with my daughter, my body had never felt healthier. I’d never been more proud. I even enjoyed labor. My body and my baby did incredible things. She’s two now. And this past November I miscarried. And, again just a few weeks ago. I didn’t realize just how broken and empty my uterus felt, until I felt how unwelcoming it was when I wanted to feel its safety.”

  

When the session was completed I cried some more. And I received many needed hugs. And I prayed anytime my mind wandered back to yoga, and as my head rested on my pillow that night. "Holy Spirit, please fill my uterus. Curb my longing. Give me the desires my aching heart needs. Even if I never carry a baby again, please provide that peace that goes beyond my understanding." 

I didn't think about it directly too much more after that session. But, I did feel a little better. I cried and prayed the way I needed to. It was a step in my grieving process for my two heaven babies.

One week later exactly, I experienced true fruit that comes from trusting the Holy Spirit. 

Place your hands on your body where you feel safe. 

The feeling only made me smile sweetly. My hands belonged over my uterus. Chills rushed over my body as the Holy Spirit whispered - I love you and I always have, my beloved. 

I have lived in fear that I would never get to experience the joy and blessing of carrying another child full term. In a week’s time, God gave me peace and comfort. If I never get the chance again, I will be content and grateful. I praise God for all of my babies, and the chance to carry them for every moment that I did.