Our Rainbow Baby

We have waited long enough to share our extremely exciting news!!! If the title (or photo above.. haha) didn’t give it away - 

We’re  E X P E C T I N G!!! 

As I type this, I am 19 weeks along, to the day. There isn’t a particular reason we’ve waited this long to publicly announce our pregnancy, but more like a lot of little reasons. A big one, if not the biggest - life is B U S Y!! 

August 4th I took a pregnancy test. A few months earlier, we’d had a conversation and decided we would be delighted if I became pregnant again, and we stopped preventing. So, when the signs and symptoms came up I took a test and saw the faintest line there ever was. So faint it made me question if I was just seeing something just because I *hoped* there was something to see. I decided to not get ahead of myself.. I’d just take another one in the morning. There it was. Slightly more defined! I of course sent the picture to a friend to make sure I wasn’t delusional. She confirmed what I’d suspected!! And then I took a test every other day for a while just to make sure the line was getting darker. 

As you may know, we’ve had two miscarriages prior to this pregnancy. (We’ve since named our heaven babies Flip and Dizzy) Both went to heaven quite early on - around 6 weeks. With our first loss, I didn’t have the chance to tell my parents we were expecting before I started seeing the concerning signs of loss. I was scared and I needed my mom and I hated she had no idea of the joy OR fear we were dealing with. So, that wasn’t going to happen again. We told our parents and siblings within the week with Dizzy and again with this baby!

We all prayed and quietly held our breath while still loving this baby with all our hearts. I didn’t get to see either of my heaven babies via ultrasound and I prayed I would at the very least get a glimpse at this baby’s heartbeat. 

At our first appointment I shed a few tears of joy. (Tearing up again now because, you know, *hormones* haha) A  B A B Y. I saw the heartbeat with my own eyes.  

🌈6 weeks

Like I said - the last few months have been busy!! Sort of a whirlwind. I battled through mild-moderate morning sickness, and insane fatigue. We praised God when we made it past the scary 12 week mark. And, the biggest time consumer - we started house hunting like crazy people. [If you’re not already aware - the market is C R A Z Y right now! Houses flying off the shelf like dang toilet paper.] Anyway, we praised God again when we closed on our first home earlier this month! 

All the while, we’ve been raising a three-nager, Chris has been working a lot, I started making and selling cookies [shout out to my mom for the wonderful idea!!]  and I’ve cycled through many different ideas of how we would announce our pregnancy. 

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“We didn’t stay 6 feet apart”?
Rainbow baby?
Eloise being a becoming a big sister?
A simple photo with names written on boxes “Mom, Dad, Eloise, Baby” - to indicate buying our first home and pregnancy?
Cookie announcement?

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I think ‘rainbow baby’ is where I got hung up. I couldn't move forward with making an actual decision on how to announce this pregnancy. It’s where I stop knowing what to say. Or how to act. Or what to think. My thoughts here may become jumbled.. They feel jumbled.

I’ve really been struggling with the term ‘rainbow baby’. If you're not familiar with it, Google explains it well: A rainbow baby is a term for a child born to a family that has previously lost a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth or death during infancy.  It paints a picture of a bright, wonderful promise and blessing that follows a storm.

I’m having a hard time accepting if I use the term to describe the healthy, growing baby in my womb as a rainbow, I am by default, associating my heaven babies with storm(s). It makes me feel a little guilty. And sad. But then - I feel kind of a weird, unspoken, passive, ‘social media pressure’ to mention it (how dumb! I know). And I certainly don’t want anything to do with downplaying what a miracle the life of this new baby truly is.. and then I get kinda stuck.

Here’s a glimpse into the rollercoaster I’m riding - I am S O excited about a new and healthy baby. Then this feeling creeps up within me like it means something negative regarding the babies I lost if I’m excited about this one (which, I KNOW in my heart is ridiculous.) Then, the part that makes me really lose balance - I begin feeling guilty for dang near shaming myself for being excited. This. Is. Crazy. And, the only thing that grounds me on this ride is - I’ve read similar things written by other bereaved mothers & thank God I’m not riding this coaster alone. I’ve come to learn - this is simply pregnancy after loss. 

All that being said - I do want to make a few things clear:

1) I do not have any ill feelings or judgement towards parents that use the term ‘rainbow baby’ in the traditional sense. I actually think ‘rainbow baby’ paints an absolutely beautiful picture of an incredible journey. I VERY strongly believe a grieving parent (or, person for that matter), has their own individual journey. What it looks like through their own eyes, and what makes sense to them in the healing process, should never be judged.

2) The beauty, and blessing, and miracle that this baby is, is not lost on me. I’m almost halfway to 40 weeks, and I’m over halfway to the point of being able to safely deliver a healthy baby. That is A M A Z I N G!!!! Each day this baby is with us, I will praise God. And will continue to pray for his/her good health as they grow stronger and bigger. 

3) This baby is a beautiful rainbow baby. And, my heaven babies are sweet, bright spots in my life as well.  

Here I find myself. Explaining in more detail than necessary what’s going on in my heart and in our lives. But, "We’re pregnant!” just didn’t feel like enough.

I can hardly believe Eloise is going to get to hold her perfect baby sibling. Several times a day she runs up to me saying “I need a hug from you and the baby!!” She then hugs us separately. I'm usually first, and then baby (belly) with the most delicate hands, and sweetest kisses. She tells me out of the blue when we’re snuggling “Mama, I’m going to protect the baby.” She puts her ear to my stomach and gasps “I think I hear the baby!!!” Haha... she’s so excited and it’s the sweetest thing to experience. Here is a link to the video we took when telling her I was pregnant.

We do know the gender of the baby and plan to announce it soon!! For now, thank you for reading and praying, supporting, hoping, and wishing alongside us. Big adventures ahead!!! 

Due date: April 17, 2021

🌈16 weeks 

🌈19 weeks